primavera

my mailbox and I will again move across this city. back a bit further north,and a smaller bit east pdx. old roommates moved out to start new lives: one to marry & the other to work on a farm in far eastern oregon. new roommates are in search of a sense of adulthood, and i am knowing that these things do not change. we simply put on different hats, coats & mail boxes. i will be moving in with three good friends who are also team mates on the bicycle team i spend so much of my time with. one an ex military career person with a philosophy degree and hunger for conversation, another from stuttgart who studies economies through geography and loves my lovely daughter, and a third from salem, or, with a sharp wit and spreading smile. am i excited? i suppose, it is always nice to be some place new. even if only a bit further north and slightly less further east. i have no need to be bitter, but i am ready to make a larger move. barcelona, vancouver, chicago, dakar, sao palo, who knows. any place would be nice, it's just time to leave. alas, this idea is futile right now. place bound i am, and place bound i shall be. and if that must be the case, i suppose portland is one of the best places to bind.
i have fun research looming, penelope beatrice is beginning to speak in sentences & is hilarious, it's about to stop raining, and the world is in a bit of a shift from system to stone. so things look good! also exciting, my new room mates and i are going to play music together! ahh the recap. i plan to soon write something interesting, and less stream of consciousness. for now i will end with a nice quote from
The Weepies: "i held so many people in my suitcase heart, i had to let the whole thing go, it was taken by a wind and snow, and i still didn't know that i was waiting, for a girl, on a slow pony home".
happy spring everyone!

finals week again again again

quick note on my cognitive what-not this past & coming week. i have so much to get done that my only release is to ride my bike as hard and long as physically possible. this seems to clear my head, after which i can write essays and research papers. it's a bit ridiculous, and feels amazing.
postscript: my new room-mates installed a full liquor bar to our common living quarters this afternoon.

think about direction

we heard you say it was meant to look like running paint, but we all know what that meant-

the lovely shapes your skull makes, shadows in boats on seas we dream of-

what do stars really mean, you told us with your cryptic southern state rap step-

influenced razors and sleeping partners, and stood in your place of plain sight-

& if this is sex I want it, & if this is love I want it more, & those may have been your words,

you are after all, in part your star spangled chest, the reason I can say this-

awe is only one hold of the cradle that is not prepared to fall-

the saints of snow still hold heads differently than those sun blessed-

and I've been here hours waiting, but could not tell you what the table top is made of-

shared drink with both hands on one glass in six eight time-

and somehow none of that is frightening any more, but another bit of dust-

a second piece for you dear friend, sectioned eloquently as you might prefer-

could not tell the color of the bathroom walls, kitchen curtains, or iris accurately-

the keys have worn thin and difficult to read-

modern woman with a world trade agenda, two bold knowing lovers, a grandparent's buck-knife-

and a gut twisting urge to let it all out of the bag

eff the johnson control!

some thoughts on the day's musings.

• is it problematic to use the term "cancer" to describe a spreading problem in an institution, movement, etcetera? according to current bio-research cancer cells do not know what or who they belong to. does this truly correlate to the spread of crisis or dissemination of ideas in a group, or in society at large?

• is it not an equally Utopian idea to claim that a single dominant paradigm is necessary to create a focused cohesive society, as it would be claim that a pluralistic and multi-dimensional ideology based model is necessary? is either correct? is the idea of paradigm mere shit? should individual perspective be the source of truth and cohesion? would that generate cohesion?

• ask these questions because the fundamental theory and historical context is often where a paradigm shift finds its beginnings, and maintains a foothold to endure.

• are paradigmatic shifts always calling for a shift in, or deconstruction of, meta-narratives?

• to what degree did the formation of the Christian far right during the Nixon era create the possibility for a backlash movement in denominations such as Episcopalian? Does this explain, in part, the current stance of these religious institutions? If so, to what degree?

step #5 in the process of "becoming 30 yoa".

(here is something i work every day to achieve, and decided to write down)

the most obvious alternative to most of the things i talk shit about, with regard to other people, would be for everyone to be just like me. this is in no way what i want. i enjoy the diversity of people, and for the majority would never want to change them. "good" or "bad" (save those who are emotionally or physically harming others with their choices).

for this old codger, the time has come my friends. time to stop judging people based on their benign choices, and rather observe and learn from those choices. not to say i wish to be less critical, rather that i should be critical of things worth being critical of and simply learn from other things (yes i know "things" it too broad a term, but i am on a homework break and have no time now to elaborate). i believe it is possible to determine a relatively clear distinction between the harmful and harmless. i am supposedly some sort of sociologist after all. i may as well start making the science more a part of my personal life if i wish to be a good one (that sentence was intended to incite comment from any and all of my post-modernist and deconstructionist readers).

la force des oeufs

it's important to recall what it took to get here-
everything began so broad conceptually, and moved pavement under step-
as a reflection of everything i have done and how it should change, this is acceptable-
walking to stores, buildings we call houses and flooded with mixes of emotions-
it's not likely that i can make this clear and benign at the same time-
we hold like eggs under pressure-
it's our shape that keeps us safe-
if i believe that of you we ought to be ok-
but it has come time now, that i think of wearing colors-
my childhood is re-synthesized through the window in the hallway-
my child holds the strings to a cradled new belonging-
and for this we have a synthesis--she wins--simply-
learning to learn is not taken lightly-
and if it's cryptic you like, then you may no longer like me-
we hold like eggs under pressure-
it's our shape that keeps us safe

margot's fear of spiral-staircases

& it was beautiful!
my recent excursion to Belgium and the Netherlands (Holland) was in every way amazing! i met some fabulous people, learned a great deal about myself and a bit about another part of the world. i began the trip in Brussels, then Antwerp, Rotterdam and Amsterdam. the sun made an appearance for nearly half of every day, and the temperature never rose above 4 degrees celsius. just what this kid wants from a winter vacation! vitamin D & lots of layers!

my evidently suppressed desire to move to Europe came rushing back in waves and is not likely to ebb this go around. the cultures and political climate of the places in Europe i have visited have been much more similar to my personal beliefs than those i have experienced in the United States. several of the people i encountered welcomed me into their homes and shared stories of their lives with me. it makes no sense, but i felt more at "home" on vacation than i typically do in my home in the states. possibly this says something about my current living situation, but i feel that it is also a clear sign that something larger needs to change. it's simple really. i belong some place else in the world, and i will relocate as soon as i can.

so why don't i just do it? "if you dislike the U.S. so much, why don't you just leave", is a common part of this dialog i have had too many times. to begin, i don't dislike the U.S. as a whole. i prefer the majority of culture (in its plethora of meanings and manifestations) that i have encountered when traveling. it's not a zero sum game. to move to Europe any time soon i would have to convince Penelope Beatrice's mom to let me take her with me, or to move as well. we have both agreed to not split her life in half between us for long periods of time, as this would negate Penelope's need to create social networks and build her own relationships. there are clearly some large benefits that could come from Penelope living half the year in another country, but they are not part of the agreement. in fine, i will likely wait until Penelope is old enough to express for herself how she wants her life to work, and then her mother and i can work together to try and make that happen. until then i will try to visit as many different places as possible, and learn more about the part of the world that i will be moving to. for the moment, Belgium gets the vote!
i am absurdly jet-lagged, and hope to look back at this post with a laugh at its silly structure and poor wording. but there it is. got it out for now. such an amazing trip!

an appropriate quote for a foregotten war

"If we cannot by reason, by influence, by example, by strenuous effort, and by personal sacrifice, mend the bad places of civilization, we certainly cannot do it by force."

Auberon Herbert, 1894

serenade of sirens

a lovely blizzard!

those are the most succinct words to describe portland this fine sunday morning.
i walked home with my bike from a friend's apartment as it began to fall from all sides. friend on the way to the airport, to some place much warmer than this. i hold no envy. enjoy!

snow is winter's sunshine!

stopped at a greek restaurant for breakfast, and as i did, left my mittens outside beside my bike lock. they are keeping someones' hands warm now.

i want to think that the committee of whatevers that oversees our planet's weather knew that i am off to belgium and luxembourg next week. "send some snow to portland before he flies", one thoughtful whatever exclaimed. i am happy to have not missed this!

this the second day after a trying finals week, and nothing is more welcome than this storm. it reminds me of a place i called home for the first twenty years of my life. now i think of that pace, and use verbiage like "they" and "the people there...". finally internalized a relatively lost connection to that place. but today i can think of little but that place. the feet of snow we had by this time of year. days spent at my grandparent's house, shoveling off their roof and car-port. driving to sled or ski with my sister. smoking in the bitter cold, with warm friends and hot drinks.

this is the best place to be today. i am off to take photographs of snow, read , drink hot tea, relax, sled on cardboard, remember.

snow is winter's sunshine.

gerow, out.

Theoretical connection

this is an excerpt from a paper i wrote for a grad theory class i am attending this term. we were asked to write about two theorists that relate to the way our world view, personal interactions and inner feelings are shaped. i decided to post it here because i thought some day it would be good to look back on and re-write once i have a more concrete understanding of the theories i read. left to folders and desktop destinations, papers and essays are lost forever to me. i need secondary reminders, at the least.

Brian Gerow 11/20/08

Grad Theory, Professor Blazak

Thought Paper 6

As a young anarchist punk I read a piece by Bakunin, and thought it to be the gospel for my scope of the world. The state is the true and omnipresent evil of every society. Not capitalism, avarice, religion, spaghetti monsters or the oxford comma, but the government that decides the fate of existence for them all. I next moved on to Kropotkin, whose theories of Anarcho-Communism were much more sensible and necessitated less violence. Now in my ripe old age, I tend to see the world through a much more pluralistic looking glass. The "evils" of the world, not as capitalism, the state or religion but all of these and myriad more. Furthermore, the construction of what is popularly believed to be "evil" is often subjectively created as such for the gain of some power structure. The world as a complex corpulent bladder of fluidity, that cannot be named and pinpointed with one specific origin or destination.

In his piece titled, ”On Authority”, Friedrich Engels dispelled many of the unidirectional ideas of anarchist theorists who wrote in his day. He explained that with the way societies have come to depend on larger scale forms of production, authority is inherent, and can not simply be abolished. “We have seen, besides, that the material conditions of production and circulation inevitably develop with large scale industry and large scale agriculture and increasingly tend to enlarge the scope of this authority.” (Tucker p.732) Simply stated, as populations grown, so grow the demands of production, and the industries that produce. These larger industries require a minimum level of authority to exist. Engels gave an example of a ship on the ocean with a full crew. When gale force winds whip through the sails and the ship is in danger of sinking, the crew of hundreds instantly looks to the guidance of very few skilled authority figures for a plan of action. This may be a slightly extreme example of necessary authority, but Engels was dealing with some fairly extreme folks. This same genre of scare tactic is used today to legitimate and bolster authority within the United States government. After the attacks on the World Trade Center in Manhattan, the pulse of the U.S. population was set to a “terrorist alert system” that told citizens what color their perceived threat was related to for that day. This alert, and the event that preceded it, created a loyalty (read nationalism and xenophobia) to the authority in the U.S. that had not been seen for quite some time. Regarding population growth, authority and social needs, the theories of Friedrich Engels and several similar social theorists are very similar to the way I view the world today.

On a more micro level, no one other than Michael Foucault can better explain the way I feel about the concept of power in the world and in my own inner struggles. Foucault describes power as a truly fluid and necessarily ubiquitous phenomena in the world. In “Power as Knowledge” he wrote, “Power is everywhere, not because it embraces everything, but because it comes from everywhere. And ‘Power’, in so far as it is permanent, repetitious, inert, and self reproducing, is simply the overall effect that emerges from all these mobilities, the concatenation that rests on each of them and seeks to arrest their movement.” (Lemert p. 466) Foucault describes power as a field of relations that join at a conflict, or the name we attribute to a “complex strategical situation” in society. I try to look at issues of conflict in my personal life through a scope similar to this, however difficult it is to see through some days.

For example, my relationship with my ex-partner and our daughter has become a writhing ball of confusion in the last year. It is easiest to deal with every interaction with my ex-partner on face value, and have every argument that comes up because we both want the power position regarding how our daughter is raised. To pull away from the situation and look at the complexity of the conflict creates a whole different picture of what is going on. We, the presumed holders of power, have expectations put upon us from all different angles of society that are influencing our conflict. Our peers, parents, social norms and values, ideas about how we were raises, expectations for the future, and endless other factors (agents of control) are creating this conflict. There is no one simple place to point a finger and blame a party for their ideas or actions in this or any other conflict, because the real culprit is everything. From here it is necessary to look at all of the origins of the conflict, and with all parties involved in the struggle, determine which are more valid to the outcome or “resolution” than others. That all sounds a lot more simple than it is in practice. That is why I love social theory! It can make sense of things that make no sense at all!

from here i will go on to write about Jurgen Habermas' theories of communication and the boundaries to conflict resolution that are created by our gendered bias verbiage. recall, "pure communication".

uneven seams

i am grading papers at school this afternoon, and reading student's ideas of what is socially acceptable and what is taboo. they are evaluating these social norms per the formal and informal sanctions attached to them. relatively basic intro to sociology business.

reading all of the personal accounts folks responded with makes me think of something that is troubling me today. i have given in to an informal social norm on this same day of the year for the past eleven. i don't talk about people who have died and how i feel/felt about them. clearly this norm exists for the preservation of positive, up-lifting thought. its sanctions are bolstered by the ever popular "debbie downer" stigma. today, for a brief moment, despite my fleeting judgement, i opt to disregard this norm.

my sister, Becky Denice Gerow, died in a car accident on this day in 1997. every year i try to write something to her, but i thought this year i would make it public (no clear reason why). i love my sister very much. she is a giant part of the whole that made me who i am today. we had just begun to tear down our sibling relationship limitations and become friends the year before she died. i think about Becky every day, and often tell her things about my life. this is an odd experience for me, as it is likely the only spiritual activity in my life. i have no real spiritual beliefs to speak of, but i recognize that this is not entirely an action existing in our physical world. i am not going to give the details here, as anyone who knew her already knows their version and everyone else would likely not benefit from mine. i simply want to make mention that this is a traditionally odd/tough day in the midst of our lovely fall, and i suppose i chose to make it public knowledge because i feel that others have "traditionally odd days" as well. i want to say more, but am going to post this before that urge to erase it takes charge.

another one bights the dust

well that was easy. i went into work this morning and told my boss that I had been offered a teacher's assistant position at psu, and he simply said congratulations! i then had an exit interview at 9am and was out of there a half an hour later.

i will be working for two professors in the sociology department. Margret Everett is a recent arrival to to the soc department, she has taught at psu in the anthropology department foe the past 12 years. her focus is health inequalities in southern Mexico and several regions in South America. the other professor i will be working with is Joshua Bass. his main fields of study are centered around globalization and people of minority status. i am super stoked to learn everything i can from these professors about research and teaching! i am also excited to be a part of an academic faculty that will help me get a better grasp on my own research endeavors. today is a good day!

eavesdropping (this prose is in no way related to my previous post, but to a conversation earlier this afternoon)

she found out while sitting cozy on the couch with her favorite weekly news rag.
her daughter was fast asleep, and husband off on a frantic book signing tour.
she chose to take the first night alone. the rest of her life would be with their worries.
the cork came easily from that dusted bottle of whine. they had received it as a gift on their wedding day.
the following morning she flexed out a bit of urgency and relayed the life altering message.
amazed she was that mere words could remove the pyramids from their resting place.
desert birds of prey circled over the conversation in with parched pallets.
for the next three years they all prepared for the cancer to win.
she read coming-of-age stories to her daughter each night for an hour.
they were prepared.
at age fourteen, her daughter came-of-age.
she is doing very, very, very well.
her husband tells of their last agreement to one another,
while taking with strangers in well lit cafes.
those were the best three years of either of their lives.

passed present

i write with some incredibly horrible news today. one of my favorite professors, and a person who was a great inspiration to my future has died recently. Dr. Heather Hartley was taking some time off from her busy schedule of teaching and research this past term, due to a worsening illness. in class this thursday one of my other professors announced that she had committed suicide over the past weekend.
this is a great loss to her five year old daughter, the massive community of people who look up to her, and the rest of the world that will miss out on the fruits of her fabulous research (which included the implementation of female viagra!).
you will be greatly missed Dr. Hartley!

if this is not an inspiring quote, you may want to check your pulse!

"when it is genuine, when it is born of the need to speak, no one can stop the human voice.
when denied a mouth it speaks with the hands or the eyes, or the pores, or anything at all.
because every single one of us has something to say to the others, something that deserves to be celebrated or forgiven by others."
Eduardo Galeano, "Celebration of the Human Voice"

paul farmer is the bee's knees!

classes have begun, thus my writing here will likely be sporadic, quick as well as brief. i just wanted to make note of a book i am now reading that is likely the most well written and ordered academic works i have ever had the pleasure to intake. it is titled "pathologies of power: health, human rights, and the new war on the poor" by paul farmer. it is an eloquent piece of art which also serves as an incredible resource for current anthropological educating. enjoy!

across the street

so it has pointed in a fall-erly direction. by it i mean the earth, and by fall i mean the calming scent of cooler weather and warmer clothing when you remove it from its place on the annual shelf. for the past four years it has been a staunch reminder that school is back in session, and it is time to "come on feel the noise".
cyclocross race season is in full swing, and my ribs have their own fancy little story they could tell about that scenario. i went down hard last week on some cross walk lines after a light rain, and yesterday at a race my ribs were on fire. it's the rib on the upper right side of my torso that ache, so as you can imagine this is making carrying my bike quite the chore.
and now, despite my better judgment, i am off t another race. just wanted to log what the hell was going on before classes begin and i have no time to write for fun.

left and leaving

please check out this short film. it is an interesting and nuanced take on an over written theme. is also is folowed by a beautiful weakerthans song, if you hadn't guessed.

just cram this into your browser:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhKuMBkTin8&feature=related

belly ache

oh my goodness am i sick! myself and five of my team mates came down with a horrible virus after the Pain on the Peak race this weekend. one of these team mates,who is a nurse, did some research and found that we had all contracted the nora virus from penelope.

Norovirus (was "Norwalk-like viruses"), an RNA virus of the Caliciviridae taxonomic family, causes approximately 90% of epidemic non-bacterial outbreaks of gastroenteritis around the world,^[2][3] and is responsible for 50% of all foodborne outbreaks of gastroenteritis in the US. Norovirus affects people of all ages. The viruses are transmitted by faecally contaminated food or water and by person-to-person contact.
After infection, immunity to norovirus is usually incomplete and temporary. There is an inherited predisposition to infection and people whose blood type can be detected in their saliva are more often infected.
Outbreaks of norovirus disease often occur in closed or semi-closed communities, such as long-term care facilities, hospitals, prisons, dormitories, and cruise ships where once the virus has been introduced, the infection spreads very rapidly by either person-to-person transmission or through contaminated food. Many norovirus outbreaks have been traced to food that was handled by one infected person.
Norovirus is rapidly killed by chlorine-based disinfectants, but because the virus particle does not have a lipid envelope, it is less susceptible to alcohols and detergents.

Penelope had been sick a few days before, and we all played with her a good amount at the race this weekend. it was a great time away from the city, and a super fun course, but this stomach pain is not worth it. i am going back to sleep!

landmarks (not only for finding your way)

miss Peneope Beatrice turned fifteen months of age yesterday! she is walking forward and aft, and has begun not to notice so much. that's right, she has been waking for roughly a month now and has already begun the disconnect from consciously recognizing her foot motion. she can now do several things while she walks, without falter.

she also enjoys dancing and rocking back and forth while she laughs. this weekend while spending time with her grandmother, she rocked so far forward while chuckling that she jacked her forehead on a wooden letter-bock and now has a perfectly placed bruise on her dome.


we went to a dog park this weekend and Penelope Beatrice went mad "woofing" at all the k9. she absolutely adores dogs, and communicating with them. at the park, we also played on a swing and slid on the slide. she was so excited about the slide that she began climbing up it from the bottom. awesome weekend baby date!