off to uni

after a long night of nothing resembling sleep, i sent my 9 year old off to college today.
maybe she is off to peruse an acting or ship welding gig. i am not clear on the details, and i expect that those bits will shift.

her mom and i split up about 9 years ago, give or take numerical confusion on my part, and we have been cordially co-parenting since. we have had a host of friends, partners, and parents holding the corners of the the blanket up while we arm wrestled our way through college and several unlikable non-careers/wage-shits. my current partner held the whole blanket, on my end, while i was falling in a sea of chewed up cud, for about a year. all of this is to say, she has a strong community.  

today she is off with her mom to explore some of the world through a Workaway program wherein her mom will work for families in trade for room/food while she hangs out and does some online school work. they plan to explore Ireland, England, Spain, Italy, Croatia, Bulgaria, and possibly France, before heading to Nicaragua and beyond in Central America to make their way north through Mexico to Oregon. currently Penelope aims to attend 5th grade in Portland with many of her previous classmates, and her mom to find remote work that will allow her to afford to live in the city packed full of paid software transplants. my belief and hope for both of them is that all trajectory will morph into some synthesis of what they learned from the hallways of other peoples' homes. the way we all learn to use forks. the ways we sometimes learn and don't have to acknowledge. i hope it feels good.

this trip will hopefully provide Penelope with an array or lenses to see the world, and her life through. it my allow for a gyroscope with more color than any of her blanket holders ever knew. it may change her life for the better forever. it will handily be of more educational value than our public school system could manage in the same time. i am happy that her mom is giving this to her, and i am happy that she is excited for the adventure. i wish i was coming along.

on my end, my partner and i are moving to Italy in a couple months, where we will meet up with them for their stay in the boot. herein lies the "9 year old to college" piece of this narrative. today means more than simply watching my daughter and her mom take off on a year+ long world tour. this day marks the beginning of a new way of relating to and showing up for my daughter. from this day forward i may never again be able to talk to or see her any time i/she like. she may never choose to study in Europe, or come for more than a summer visit. she may feel ditched. i sincerely hope not. i hope she feels like i am opening up her platter of opportunities for experiencing life. i hope she takes advantage of options. i hope fear, guilt, and obligation leave her alone to make her decisions thoughtfully.

form my side of the sea this is a day i feel lost in. today started weeks ago, and may continue to march up some steps toward next month. the weight of change is a heavy one now, and i am unsure of its direction. i rarely shy from ambiguity

grace land

when you crawl up on the lawn-like back of a kodiak in the fall and it saunters a few steps, kneels down to its bulbous belly, and falls deep asleep. that is what Paul Simon's voice feels like.