wish i could love you

like a lead blanket you enter my space and make movement arduous.
like fall and winter you enter my time and always i forgot you were coming, though i knew you would.
show up, sit on my throat, dig yourself into my smallest muscles, and adjust pressure as you wish.
i wish once i could prepare for you, like a monthly menstruation i don't want more than i can relieve. similarly, you come for three weeks -- and give me one off to recuperate and anticipate.
i would cancel things and draw a taught bath in the fall through spring. open the windows and smell health. maybe some of the leaves could come with me.
in the summer you can be burnt out of place occasionally. off your rocker and out of time. i get back at you a bit in those few fleeting months.
you make my life a schedule i can't pay taxes to.
like ten feet of ocean above, you make it hard to believe in my own ability. any able.
like twenty four hours. three inches of rain. too many drinks to count. internal flames sound a jester's act.
sometimes i wish you would take a vacation, and go enjoy time with someone who appreciates you. let me have time with my loved ones. let me take deep breaths without needing them.
sometimes i wish i loved you. then maybe we could be together more thoughtfully, in a way where i would be allowed a say.
like a thousand rifles pointed at my body, i want to give up.
like everyone is is watching and cares, i can't say that aloud.
silently yours,
me