desert thoughts on envy: biblically

i hope this message finds you feeling more so the the way you want
to than the last message may have. -me

working toward trust is not a thing i can see steps or an end to. possibly trust is a process, and not an end or goal. 
i recently emptied the trust kitty of my most supportive and loving friend, and i am learning how to fill it back up. 
i think there are ways, other than trust, that we create connection with people, but that does not negate the importance of this feeling that i know someone is sharing honesty honestly. 

envy and or jealousy are like death in some ways. 
they are inevitable, and spending energy on them allows them to add fear to my life. feeding jealousy with details and dwelling feels like a good way to let shitty feelings win. sitting with jealousy, alone in a windowed room, gives power to a feeling that neither serves me nor has anything to teach. in 35 years of thinking and feeling i have only learned to despise jealousy, and to sit painfully with it as i hope it will fade.   

the idea that someone could not experience jealousy is not real to me, though i am not herein attempting to negate another's feelings. rather than denying jealousy, i prefer to starve it of my energy or time whenever possible. 

the native narrative of feeding the wolves within us feels useful for this. i want to let the envious or jealous lupo die off any time it come around.