i woke up this morning with a sense that i was walking out into a frigid cold ocean against the tide. that's not quite the feeling. more similar to a rip tide that carries the force of ten waves back out to sea, in reverse. that describes a part of it.
the larger part also made sense related to water. the feeling when you are too deep, your ear drums begin to quiver, and the weight of the water makes it difficult to take even a slow breath. numb hands and feet. that is most of it today. i don't notice that the aquatic life around me is sending signals with its unusual presence. i find little beyond the growing weight of water pressure. the notion of a thing i am primarily made up of killing me us an intense and amusing one.
this morning i woke at 5:37am for a Skype call with one of my best friends who currently resides in Paris. we were to discuss the future of a farm i plan to live and work, owned by his aging Italian mother his professor brother, and Johanness himself. i was excited for the call yesterday. this morning i could hardly pull together the smile to keep my friend half convinced i was talking to him. i kept my part of the discussion brief, and asked questions as i could.
later, at work, i was tasked with a beautiful hike, accompanied by several beautiful young people, and one amazingly supportive and kind friend/coworker. i could not speak. when i swim too deep, human interaction is the hardest action i can imagine. nothing feels worse than thinking through the ways i will fumble, and all long enough to skip the slot where i could speak. it is cheek biting and harshly cuts blood flow somehow.
i can not check in with folks to know if they want support, or need things from me, because i can not spill out words. not only do they come out in way that i don't understand, and it feels like language will just happen to me, but i feel as though i physically can not open my mouth and make sound release. i feel fortunate that i work with someone who understands something like what i am feeling. i appreciate that recognition in deep and meaningful ways, and hope to return the love when it is asked for or needed.
on my way home i received a text message saying that my child was fed supper and was reading books, and that i should take my time and enjoy the warm spring evening. every last obligation for the day had been lifted, and i was free to relax and reflect as i like. this was no small task to undertake, and i am choked with generosity. it is a beautiful thing to have the rocks taken out of your pockets, unprovoked. even for a moment.
thinking this should solve most things, i gave it a few spring-air-smelling breaths.
nothing.
still too deep to take a proper breath, and far too much rip tide.
now i lie in bed. awake for a while, i will write in my medicated state to the ones who held me up today. there were several people who saw something i didn't want anyone to see, and they held me in ways they thought i wouldn't notice. some did things they may not have wanted to, but did out of love for a friend. others wanted to be kind, in the ways that they were, and they were.
i appreciate all of the beautiful people around me more than i can express with letters. these are the friends who do the work of keeping me alive. with their love and energy.
still this support is not why i love them. it is a part of it, but i love them for many reasons more. i wish i could tell them more about that. i wish i could tell them all of the ways and reasons i love them, in addition to the depth of my appreciation for their support of me on days similar to today. today i can only hope they know. somehow. and i can hope that tomorrow will be different. or some day soon will be.
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